4 Ways to Know You are Healed

By Tiffany J | Best Relationship Advice

Single men, are you open to moving forward into a new relationship? Allow me to clarify; are you emotionally ready to invite someone into your life? Do you want your new experience to be better than the last? First, I invite you to read my previous article, “6 Ways to Let Go of the Past.” Then proceed to this article to check to see if you “feel” the following four ways before giving yourself space for your new best friend. (Yes, I said best friend on purpose.) I will try not to use the word “relationship” loosely because a relationship can be a hot mess. If you are reading this, it is my mission that you prepare for your new friend/love, and my prayer is that your experience is as successful as possible. Here are four ways to know you are ready to move on. 

You are no longer upset

You are ready to move on when a thought or sight of her does not upset you or bring your mood down. Remember in the previous article; your past will always haunt you because those memories are attached to your unconscious mind. When those thoughts creep back up or are somehow triggered, you gracefully allow that experience to pass with no reaction or judgment. You carry on as if you saw an ugly car (an irritating thought) pass by, and now it is gone. Your mood is or remains optimistic and grateful because that is how you attract positivity and more to be thankful for in your life. Harboring anger and resentment will serve no purpose for you other than to start eating away at your physical health and leaving you vulnerable to the next hot mess.

You are trusting

You are ready to move on when you can trust again; your ex has no impact on your present and future choices. What a powerful space to be in! You must be able to give someone new the benefit of the doubt. If not, you could lose out on someone good before giving it a chance. And if you do have a chance, thinking she is anything like your ex, you are projecting your baggage onto her, which will cause problems.  Spend time alone to come to a space of peace of mind. 

When you can make present and future choices from a place of trust – you bring health to yourself and into your new experience. Now let us say your new lady does betray you. No worries because you “feel” so safe, trusting, and secure within yourself that you can easily let her go, knowing, “I am being prepared for someone better.” 

Revenge no longer enters your mind

You are ready to move on when there is no feeling for revenge. You feel your ex is deserving of pain because of what she did to you. Remember from the last article; it takes two to screw up a relationship; therefore, you are accountable for your role. All the blame should not be on her. Even if you feel it is, no worries either way.  The destructive part of your ego had no room then, now, nor in your future.  She is set free, and what happens to her, how she is living her life, and whether she understands her mistakes – is her responsibility. You are responsible for yourself, and because you have taken the time to yourself to make sure that you do not repeat any mistakes, you set yourself up to succeed. Wish her well, and you will be blessed.     

You have compassion

You are ready to move on when you can have compassion for her. It is said that the best thing a man can do is love his child’s mother. Whether there were children involved or not, you did once love her. Carrying on that love is not a bad thing – and anyone can be loved from a distance. What you feel in your heart is no longer tainted by past discretions. You will have pity and concern for her and can also go as far as to pray for her wellbeing, especially if kids are involved. She is their example, and should you treat her unkind, it will be “felt” by the kids, and trust me – that will come back to bite you both, unfortunately. The ultimate goal here is for you to let go of your pain. Emotional Intelligence starts with you.     

Your Emotions Matter offers relationship advice, along with emotional support through Emotional Intelligence. When you communicate effectively with yourself, your life begins to change. Doing this is not easy, and yes, it takes self-work. Online counseling makes it convenient for you to seek the relationship help you need in an anonymous setting. We are here to support and empower you on your journey to your best relationships, especially the one with yourself. We would love to hear from you. May you let us know what you think in the comments? Would you like to discuss with us if Your Emotions Matter is a good fit for you? Click here for a complimentary one-on-one 30-minute meeting with Tiffany. We encourage you to reach out, speak up, and create change. Why? Because…You Matter.  

6 Ways to Let Go of the Past

By Tiffany J | Best Relationship Advice

Are you feeling stagnated, angered, or discouraged because of the past? Do those past thoughts seem to creep up on you right when you think you are getting ahead? Are you looking for ways to let go of the past? Several years ago, on my birthday, I entered a new decade. I said to myself, I said, “Self, I am NOT going to live another decade of life the same way I have lived the last one.” Two years later, I filed for divorce, and today I am writing this blog post as the founder and CEO of Your Emotions Matter. Why? Because…I do not wish on my worst enemy to live life in constant inner turmoil because of a disappointing past. Let alone repeating dysfunction, especially when it comes to relationships. Here I share six behaviors you can adopt to release the past, now, and for good.  

Be grateful

Did you know that the emotion of gratitude is the most powerful emotion that you can feel? This feeling literally has positive effects on your mind and heart (body) – which both need to function coherently in a healthy manner. Worry, doubt, fear, and stress bring a strain on your mind and heart, which will, if prolonged, turn to sickness and disease and will work against your body. For this reason, find reasons to be grateful for the experiences you have had in the past. Someone may have disappointed you. Can you find a reason(s) to be thankful for that person? What silver lining can you pull from this past event? Are you a better person because of it? I suggest starting a gratitude journal because this would help rewire your brain to focus on what is right, bringing more things to be grateful for into your life, literally.   

Release your thoughts

It has been several weeks since I have written, and this subject was on my heart as I woke up this morning. I could not go through today without writing it because I found that this question needed to be answered. I recently asked a few people how I could help them. Hence the inspiration for this article. The point is, this is something they are struggling with, and No. One. Knows.  I created Your Emotions Matter so you can have a safe space to express how you feel with no judgment and receive help with your concerns. Release your thoughts. Reach out to someone. Seek a counselor or therapist. Start another journal (apart from the grateful one) and get those thoughts out of your head. Holding in or suppressing how you feel is not healthy. Your body is not made to function correctly this way.        

Look for the Lesson

Looking back, I remember not knowing much of what I wanted. As life progressed, even though I was blessed, I learned quickly what I did not want. No pain, no gain. Ask any successful person today, and they have come from some adversity. What you went through in your past taught you something. There is a lesson to be learned by what happened, what did not happen, how you were treated, or how life has unfolded for you. Be careful not to carry around avoidance or distrust. Seek the lesson and use it to your advantage. Use the lesson to find meaning in your life. Once you seek your past blessings, you will find that you appreciate those blessings, helping ease the pain. How you perceive your past matters. It was not a death sentence. It gave you LIFE.  

Forgive

Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Ask yourself. Why allow someone to have that much power over you? Forgive, and let go. Release that burden from your heart. Keep in mind that emotional (and mental) health is a top priority and unforgiveness gets in the way. Forgiving does not mean you need to trust them or allow them in your life. It means you can move forward with peace in your heart. Forgive and have compassion for yourself. You may have been a part of what happened. Look in the mirror and repeat to yourself three times each. “I forgive myself for_______.” Then,” I am proud of my forgiving heart. I live in peace, joy, and love.” Forgive the other person and yourself. Your heart will thank you.  

Accept that all is accountable

People do the best that they know how to do at any point in time. Was it best for you? Probably not.  Still, they did the best they knew how to do. How about you? Did you do the best you knew how to do? And for those of you who have struggled with a parent, you were innocent, and it was not your fault. You had no control over the other person and vice versa. Knowing that you cannot control another person and that other people cannot control you is critical. Allow me to add that one of the most powerful mindsets that you can have is not to allow anything, circumstances, nor anyone to move your state of being/peace of mind. Period. 

What you do have control over is yourself. Remain accountable for yourself and what they have done is their responsibility.  Know that people will struggle until they decide the struggle is over. Some will get there, and some will not. It is now up to you to decide that your struggle is over. Always know that the power and strength that you need is already within you to do so.  You have complete control over your present and future, should you decide. May, your positive mindset set you free.  

Know that you deserve better

Your brain is hard-wired to seek out the negative. Those overbearing thoughts of the past will naturally continue to bug you unconsciously. Now that you know this, you, your conscious mind, can tell your unconscious mind to shut the fuck up. Your thoughts of the past will always come to annoy you. The powerful thing is that you get to decide not to listen to it. You think, “I am not worthy,” and you get to counter it and say, “I AM worthy.” Please find what you want in your life and know that you deserve better than what happened in the past. You have the power to make it so. You understand that you cannot change the past, and the present and future is directed by how you see yourself right now. See yourself in the most positive light, so you will feel how worthy you are.  

With all this said, the reason why your past continues to resurface is that your unconscious mind stores memories that are similar, things you were taught, witnessed, and experienced. If the past is left unchecked, unanalyzed, and undealt with, it will resurface and run your life without you even knowing it. You are a creature of habits and of patterns that can be tamed for good. You, your conscious mind, is in control. It takes conscious effort and practice to turn those thoughts around. Practice these tips daily and begin to feel the improvement. Practice being and feeling who you want to be without the need for external validation. I changed my life by doing one thing. The one thing I did was make a decision. What decision will you choose to make today?   

Your Emotions Matter offers relationship advice, along with emotional support through emotional intelligence. When you communicate effectively with yourself, your life begins to change. Doing this is not easy, and yes, it takes self-work. Online counseling makes it convenient for you to seek the relationship help you need in an anonymous setting. We are here to support and empower you on your journey to your best relationships, especially the one with yourself. We would love to hear from you. May you let us know what you think in the comments? Would you like to discuss with us if Your Emotions Matter is a good fit for you? Click here for a complimentary one on one 30-minute meeting with Tiffany.  We encourage you to reach out, speak up, and create change. Why? Because…You Matter.  

25 Reasons Being Alone Makes You Powerful

By Tiffany J | Best Relationship Advice

Do you fear being alone? Are you tired of feeling alone? Is the fear of being alone a reason you are staying in a relationship that is no longer working out? If so, you are not alone. Being by yourself (I do not like to say alone because, with GOD, you are never alone.) is a fact of life, and I am here to help you see why it is a good thing. I remember the first time I felt alone; it was my junior year in high school when my best friend left me to hang out with the “bad” crowd. I felt alone that one Christmas when my sister and brother planned a gift exchange and did not include me; while I sat opening gifts, I bought myself, for myself—then looking back when I withdrew in my marriage when I found that I needed to focus on…me.   

What comes to your mind when you notice someone who is sitting alone in a restaurant? How do you feel about taking yourself out on a date, better yet a vacation? Do you cringe at the thought? Do not get me wrong; if you have authentic, loving, trustworthy, and respectful people in your life, then being alone should not be an issue. However, all of us are not as lucky. And I am neither saying that you need to cut anyone out of your life to feel this way. I am saying that it would be beneficial to you if you were to learn “how” to be by yourself, get comfortable with it, and be okay with it. With my being experienced and having found the benefits, allow me to share 25 epic reasons why being alone makes you powerful.

• You will have time and space to get to know yourself better.
• You will gain confidence in yourself.
• You will have time and space to understand yourself better.
• You will start to feel secure within yourself.
• You will have time and space to figure out what you want and do not want in your life.
• You will find it easier to let go of unhealthy relationships.
• You will grow stronger and eliminate the need to be dependent.
• You notice self-love and start caring for yourself.

• You will notice your self-worth.
• You will find it easy to repel those who are not worthy of your time, energy, and emotions.
• You will grow stronger in cutting out unnecessary distractions in your life.
• You will have time and space to forgive yourself and others.
• You will find less you would have to forgive yourself for because you are now careful with your present and future choices.
• You will start to notice your own past mistakes and become more mindful not to make the same mistakes.
• You will have time and space to set goals and achieve what you want in life.
• You will have time and space to think before you respond.

• You will find that it feels good to have no one around to irritate you.
• You will not feel the need to settle for an unhealthy relationship.
• You will become intolerable of other peoples’ disrespect.
• You will become more in tune with your intuition.
• You will find it beneficial and have the space to practice mindfulness, so you will get better at it when others are around.
• You will start to feel whole and complete within.  
• You will find that you have everything you need within and understand that no one can take anything from you.
• You will find joy, peace, and self-acceptance.
• The GOD in you will be revealed.

Now how does that sound? Do you feel the newness already?  Can you see how powerful being by yourself will make you? If you have been by yourself and struggle with any of the above, let’s talk. We are here to support and empower you on your journey to your best relationships, especially the one with yourself. We would love to hear from you. May you let us know what you think in the comments? Would you like to discuss with us if Your Emotions Matter is a good fit for you? Feel free to contact us by clicking here to have a complimentary one-on-one, 30-minute session with Tiffany. We encourage you to Reach Out, Speak Up, & Create Change. Why? Because…You Matter.  

6 Ways to Avoid Falling for the Wrong Person

By Tiffany J | Best Relationship Advice

Have you ever looked back on a relationship and felt like you wasted the time you spent with that person? Do you feel like you are attracting the wrong people into your life? Was everything great initially, then after you fell hard, things changed, and you started to feel unsafe, mistreated, and confused? Aww, no worries, we all make mistakes. The key is to learn from them. The first time. But what if one or more of the above statements happened more than once? How will you break the cycle? You have come to the right place. Your Emotions Matter offers emotional support, and we are here to take you step by step. Here are 6 ways to avoid falling for, or to avoid staying with the wrong person.

Examine Your Motives

The first step is awareness and self-awareness. Both are needed to feel a change and difference in how you move, the next time you meet someone new or decide to keep someone around who is stressing you out. Be aware of and examine your motives. This is the time to have a conversation with yourself and ask, “Why am I entertaining this person?” What is it that you seek from this person other than the familiar companionship, sex, and or someone to spend time with? Ask yourself questions to make sure that the answers are not on the surface or superficial. The goal is to be self-aware, so you will already know precisely what you want your next relationship to look like. What qualities do you want in him/her? How would you like to be treated? Are you seeking someone to compliment your growth and to build with?  

Give It Time

Yes. Give. It. Time. I met my ex-husband when I was twelve and fell for him when I was fourteen. When we finally got together seven years later, I became pregnant without taking more time to know him. I moved in with him within 2 months of us becoming exclusive. Yep, the red flags were apparent. Since I was attached before we became connected, I had no idea I could have kept my emotions in check. With that said, be friends first; take plenty of time to get to know who you are spending your time with. There should be no rush. Ask deep and vital questions. I suggest you wait to have sex because the oxytocin will be released. You will grow attached, and the next thing you know, you will be making excuses for unhealthy behavior. Be okay and open for it to “not” work out.

Communicate Fearlessly

I receive questions like, “How do I say this to him/her?” You say it. “What happened? Is it something I said?” No, if they cannot respect how you feel, they are not for you. You know how important communication is, therefore, communicate. And do it without “fear” of running this person off. Be open and honest about who you are and what you want.  Share how you feel fearlessly so you may find out up front who you are dating. Of course, use common sense when talking about credit scores, std’s, and marriage. You get the point. Do not hold back on what you want to say because the right person will listen and respect you for being open and honest. Challenge him or her.

Pay Attention

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” – Maya Angelou. Red flags are red for a reason. So, you can see them. When you see, feel, or hear the first sign of confusion, the purpose here is to take some time out to recognize it and do not ignore it. Yes, he/she is cute. Yes, he/she has a good job or is good in bed. Do not allow superficial desires, a fantasy, pressure from others, or the potential you feel this person has if he/she is blatantly showing you the opposite. Please pay attention, again not only to your own motives, and to their reasons as well. Sit back and observe their behavior, how they treat their family, how they react when upset, basically how they navigate in their world. Picture yourself in their world before you become a part of it.  

Be Non-dependent

What if you have your own money, are confident, and are secure within? You are healed, and basically do not feel you have to rely on someone else to fulfill the needs that you can satisfy on your own? If you do not feel the need to depend on another person to satisfy a need you can achieve on your own, you will not feel the need to hang around and remain caught up with the wrong person. You will feel free to let him or her go because you are secure enough to say, “Nah, not for me.” And you are okay with leaving him/her alone. All of this I express here are in the early stages. Just like buying a car, house, or building a business, you must prepare and plan if you want to be successful. Successful relationships require planning and personal development.

Be Emotionally Intelligent

Your Emotions Matter was founded on the skill of being emotionally intelligent. Emotional intelligence means that you use logic and emotion simultaneously, instead of one or the other. Since most decisions are emotional, you must be careful not to allow the full feeling to get the best of you. For instance, you still “love” someone that has repeatedly cheated on you. I am not discounting how you feel. In similar scenarios, you must understand that emotions are flexible, they offer information, they can be managed, and they can be changed. Just because you “feel” a certain way, that alone will not make an unhealthy relationship healthy. Start to notice how many times your emotions change in a day. Feelings come and go; they flow like waves. It is your call to take control of your emotions and steer yourself into the relationship of your dreams.

Conclusion

The key here is to be mindful. The goal is to develop that best relationship with yourself. That will flow into your choices on your path to other healthy relationships. Become so powerful that you cannot help but to repel the wrong person. Period. Unhealthy relationships are a thing of the past. At least it is for you. We are here to support you on your journey to healthy relationships, for life. Now, I wouldn’t say I like to generalize, and there are exceptions to the rule. The above tips are starting points for you to become aware of, so you may not get ahead of yourself, or better yet, not allow someone else to get ahead of you.  

Before entering your last relationship, did you seek relationship advice? When things went wrong, did you struggle to communicate effectively? I know no one goes in knowing that they will need relationship help. Do not get me wrong. Relationship counseling is recommended before committing to a relationship to allow that objective point of view to help you iron things out before the big commitment, and of course, along the way. I suggest you do not skip this part; counseling is like maintenance on your car. Without those oil changes and inspections, you will come in with one costly problem. Take care of your mental and emotional health regarding your relationships. Make that “maintenance” a priority. And in these times, online counseling is now available to help you with any obstacles you may face to move you into your best relationships.

Do you have any questions, have given up on dating, or are frustrated in your current relationship? We would love to hear from you. May you let us know what you think in the comments? Would you like to discuss with us if Your Emotions Matter is a good fit for you? Feel free to contact us by clicking here to have a complimentary one-on-one, 30-minute session with Tiffany. We encourage you to Reach Out, Speak Up, & Create Change. Why? Because…You Matter.  

4 Ways Emotional Intelligence Will Save Your Relationships

By Tiffany J | Best Relationship Advice

Looking for less conflict?  Stronger communication?  Seeking strength to move away from unhealthy forces in your life? Single men, single ladies, unmarried couples, and those of you going through a divorce, when you seek relationship help, I have two words that will assist you in solving your problems.  It is Emotional Intelligence.  This is the ability to recognize and manage your emotions well in yourself and in others, so you may arrive at an appropriate and effective outcome. Here I will discuss 4 ways in which EI (Emotional Intelligence) or EQ (Emotional Quotient) will save you and your relationships. Would you rather listen to the article?  Click the video below.  Okay cool, here we go.   EI/EQ will help you…

Communicate Better

Recently I took my girls’ horseback riding.  Even though we were trained to steer the horses with the reins, I could not help but notice that they already knew what they were doing.  The horses have been on the same trail so often that it was second nature to know when they would make a right or a left.  It is like that when you have been practicing recognizing and managing your emotions.  When you feel that your feelings are taking an unruly turn, you will automatically “notice” that affect, pause, and take that moment to “feel.” Then give yourself the chance and space to arrive at the best course of action to move forward.  You will know when to use a “rein” on your emotion, such as anger; therefore, this helps you communicate effectively. 

You crave to be seen, heard, and understood.  It is frustrating to be in a conversation where both of you are talking or yelling at the same time over a conflict you have been having for the last several years.  When you are intelligent in your emotions, this helps give you patience, care, and concern for another person.  And indeed yourself.  I will discuss empathy later in the article. However, to improve communication with others through emotional intelligence, you will learn how not to allow your emotions to get the best of you.  You know how to respond instead of reacting.  Emotional intelligence will help you…

Understand Yourself

To understand yourself is vital.  If you do not understand yourself, how can you practice self-control?  This point helps tremendously with communication. I have set this point apart because this step must be done prior to communicating well and learning how to manage your emotions appropriately and effectively.  It is human nature for you to seek to learn about others and learn what is going on outside of you.  What is not taught in school or at work is that you must know yourself. Self-Awareness is key.  Do take the time to self-reflect (make it a habit) and learn what you want, how you think, and how you usually behave. Figure out what excites you and what does not, how you handle challenges, what you want your dream relationship to look like etc. 

For instance, instead of devoting all your attention on getting to know someone new, it is crucial to pay attention to yourself in the process.  Are you falling too fast?  Are you ignoring red flags?  Are you being open to this relationship for the wrong reasons?  Are you looking ahead at the future of what life would be like with this new person?  Knowing yourself is the distinction between “what have I done,” and “I am here because I chose to be.”  You take full responsibility for your choices because you were intentional.  You know yourself that well.  This helps you make the best choices for yourself and your relationships.  No one looks forward to needing relationship counseling.  Understanding yourself first can help avoid that scenario.  If not, online counseling with Your Emotions Matter is here for you.  Seek assistance with learning how to manage your emotions.  Emotional intelligence will also help you…

Understand Others

Like yourself, your partner, parent, and child crave to be seen, heard, and understood.  Their nature is the same as yours, and sometimes you may not acknowledge this fact because you may be caught up with how you feel.  Emotional intelligence has different parts to it, and one of them is the ability to have empathy.  Oxford dictionaries define empathy as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.  Yes, we must practice recognizing our own feelings, and compassion is a skill you must possess to be able to understand your significant other, a parent, and even your child.  What I love about emotional intelligence and by being a co-creator, I sometimes put other people’s feelings before my own.  It is not because I do not practice self-love or self-care.  I do this because I have the emotional strength to do so.  And you do as well.

How well does it feel to know someone cares for you? Care enough about how your loved one feels and lay your feelings aside for the moment to take the time to understand them.  By being self-aware, you will know when you are being selfish or when you really do not need to be put first.  When you can do this, and when you can take the time to listen and really seek to understand another, this will help eliminate and resolve conflict.  This will help the other person be seen, heard, and understood, and when that happens, you will get your chance to be seen, heard, and understood.  Of course, both of you must be empathetic.  Show that you can give emotional support to others and be with those that can do the same.  Lastly, emotional intelligence will help you to…

Let go when you know you need to let go

When I stated, “Save your Relationships,” I bet you did not expect to see this one.  Suppose you are new to what Your Emotions Matter is all about. In that case, we also advocate that the best relationship in your life is your relationship with yourself.  Therefore, to save the relationship you have with yourself, you will have to let go of the other unhealthy relationships.  I do not discriminate when it comes to relationships.  It does not matter if it is your parents, grandparents, siblings, spouse, child, or your dog Buster.  (Okay, I threw in the dog, Lol.)  If someone has not yet come to terms with respecting you, treat you fairly, consider your feelings, find a way to get along well with you, etc., they must go.  Period.

Please be mindful, it is the long-term intimate relationships in which you have a hard time letting go.  You have been together for a long time, have kids together, share household expenses, and you are…beware…emotionally invested!  You will rationalize from dusk till dawn why you should stay, wonder, and worry about what life would be like without this person.  Especially when it has been proven time and time again that things are not going to change.  The good news is when you learn how to manage your emotions when you understand that you get to choose how you feel…you get to turn that emotion…OFF.  How you feel does not always have to be real.  Change how you think and put Yourself. First.  Now that is power.  Now, this is the best relationship advice!

Your Emotions Matter is here to support and empower you on your journey to your best relationships. We would love to hear from you. May you let us know what you think in the comments? Would you like to discuss with us if Your Emotions Matter is a good fit for you? Feel free to contact us by clicking here to have a complimentary one-on-one, 30-minute session with Tiffany. We encourage you to Reach Out, Speak Up, & Create Change. Why? Because…You Matter.

8 Reasons Why Relationships are Challenging & What To Do About It – Part 2

By Tiffany J | Best Relationship Advice

Relationships are challenging for many reasons.  I am sharing with you eight reasons that if you notice these tips and tackle them, or even a few of them, they will make a significant impact in improving your relationships.  This article is part two to why relationships are challenging, with the first part advising that you must be aware, eliminate fear, and do what you know you want to do.  When you are not in a “relationship” with someone else, you are still in a relationship with yourself.  Notice that these reasons depend on you and not the other person.  Let us dive into the other five reasons why it is hard out here and what you can do about it.

Be Self-Sufficient

Reason #4 Dependency. Dependency can mean a few things. You may be dependent upon the other person emotionally, physically, and or financially.  One of the ways I help others develop healthy relationships is to help them understand that the best relationship with themselves is first and foremost.  You need no one outside of you to fulfill yourself because you are in a space within your own fulfillment where you can satisfy yourself.  When you are dependent on your partner for things you can do yourself, these can be reasons why you will not leave the relationship or get into one that is unhealthy. 

You must do what it takes to be self-sufficient, so when the wrong one comes along, you will have no reason to latch on and stay for the wrong reasons.  Or be willing to sacrifice until the one who is for you shows up. Am I asking you not to have needs?  No.  I am asking you to realize the power and strength that you already possess within.  You can do anything, and another person is the wrong reason to say you cannot make a change in your life. 

Become Self-Aware

Reason #5 Lack of self-awareness.  When you are born, you have the whole world to learn.  First, you realize that you can lift your head, have hands, crawl, climb, and so on.  You explore the outside world and continue to move on from there.  In most cases, what you are not taught to do is to continue to learn about yourself.  You are taught more of what your parents and the school system have set for you to know.  They do not teach you life skills in school, and one vital life skill is emotional intelligence.  Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize and manage your emotions.  And to be able to do this requires self-awareness.  You do this by being mindful of how you think and how you feel. Be aware of your usual reactions, responses, and your character.

I give tips on how to become self-aware in my article Men are Supposed to Cry. This article caters to the men, but women can also benefit from the self-awareness section.  With that said, without self-awareness, you may struggle with not knowing what you want and you would lack self-control. Then when unhealthy relationships exist, it can be challenging to understand and navigate.  Also, you must see yourself the way others see you.  You do not see yourself because of the conditioning to focus on the outside world, other people, places, and all the things to do without knowing that power lies within yourself. 

Be Open to Understanding

Reason #6. Lack of Understanding.  I advocate personal development; it is the foundation for creating the best relationship with yourself.  When you learn more about yourself, this helps you learn more about others, too, because we operate very similarly.  Without understanding yourself, your emotions, and your function as a human, things will be very unclear and confusing.  In my past, I had no idea why my boyfriend would yell at me and call me out my name.  I did not understand why our tempers would get the best of us.  What was astonishing is that I could not articulate that my relationship was “abusive” until many years later, after everything has been endured.  I had a lack of understanding of him and me, which led to my not knowing how to handle those challenges.  I stuck around because I knew no other way. 

Understanding yourself helps you to understand the other person as well. Staying in unhealthy situationships is not my vision for you.  When you decide to develop yourself apart from what school, society, and sometimes from what your parents may teach, it will make a significant difference in your life and relationships.  Seek to develop yourself personally.  Take time to focus only on you. 

Heal from Your Past

Reason #7.  An unhealed past.  There is a part of your mind that records and stores past experiences and memories.  Your brain works to protect you all. Of. The. Time. Those scary or hurtful memories you do not want to experience again, are all-natural and typical.  On the other hand, this protection works well because it will protect you from real and valid danger, and you need it to function daily.  The cool thing to know about this is that it does not have to run or ruin your present and future.

First, recognize what it is that continues to creep up on you.  Thoughts like this do not have to keep you from moving forward and living the life you deserve.  The critical thing to know that if the past is not addressed, this will cause doubt, moments of discomfort, and lack of trust at the very least in a new or present relationship.  The key is to realize this and to make a conscious decision not to allow your past to dictate your future. Work on taking the time to heal, forgive, accept, and let it go.  If this is not easy for you, there is help for this, no matter how mild or heavy the experience.

There is emotional support and help with this depending on your memory, and it is called neuro-linguistic programming.  We all use our senses to receive information from the external, and this is the study of how we process our experiences internally. If you are looking for assistance to eliminate those things that are holding you back that happened in your past, things you believe that are not true, habits that you want to get rid of, you have arrived at the right place.  Your Emotions Matter is here for you.

Learn about Emotional Intelligence

Reason #8.  Lack of emotional intelligence.  Being intelligent in your emotions requires more than being self-aware.  To become smart with your feelings, you must first know yourself.  This skill also includes you being empathetic, optimistic, and self-motivated.  You would also be confident; you would understand others better and have better communication.  All of this helps you to manage yourself positively, help with your self-control, and help resolve or even avoid conflicts.

When I realized that I already possessed the power to be all of this because of who my creator created me to be, it was easy to comply.  Life and relationships do not have to be as hard as it seems.  However, it takes two to do self-work to help make your relationship pleasant. I invite you to learn more about emotional intelligence and focus on this one thing. Why? Because it will help you practice all the previous seven reasons discussed here and in part one.  

Conclusion

Allow me to recap the challenges: awareness, fear, not knowing what to do, dependency, lack of self-awareness, lack of understanding, an unhealed past, and emotional intelligence. I understand that these eight reasons are a lot to tackle. I would love to hear what most resonates with you. (To see part one of this article where I discuss the first three reasons, click here.)  When you take this relationship advice and really take time to think about what matters, what you will find out is that your mental and emotional health is more important than anything else. 

I hear people every day with questions, and the answers lie in these eight tips.  Life and your relationships are about choices, choices that would be a whole lot easier to make in how you handle yourself and, indeed, your relationships.  Learn to communicate effectively. Even if you must do online counseling where it is private and anonymous or anything it takes to get you to that happy place in your heart and mind, it is beyond worth it.   We all need relationship help at some point, why wait?  

Click here for Part 1 of this article.

No more relationship challenges. We are here to support and empower you on your journey to your best relationships. Let us know what you think in the comments. Would you like to discuss with us if Your Emotions Matter is a good fit for you?  Feel free to contact us by clicking here to have a complimentary one-on-one, 30-minute session with Tiffany. We encourage you to Reach Out, Speak Up, & Create Change. Why? Because…You Matter.

8 Reasons Why Relationships are Challenging & What to Do About It – Part 1

By Tiffany J | Best Relationship Advice

Have you ever wondered why relationships are so complicated? You do the best you can, and it seems like your efforts are not good enough. Then you take five steps forward to go ten steps back. You seek to communicate effectively, and it is hard to find the relationship help that you need. The statement, “I don’t know what to do,” is repeated too many times. I feel you because I have been there.

Now I will show you eight unique reasons why relationships are challenging in hopes that I can bring you clarity and direction to eliminate the frustration we all have experienced at one time or another. The first three are here in part 1, and the last five are in part 2. These reasons are not only relationship advice; this is life advice.

Become More Aware

Reason #1. Lack of awareness. I lived on autopilot for many years of my life. Autopilot is where my mind is tossed, swayed, occupied by what happened in the past, and by worrying about the future. Also, I was emotionally invested in an unhealthy relationship. I was a wife and a mother of three young girls. I worked full-time, all while seeking solutions to our issues in hopes that things would get better. That is a lot to have on your mind! 

With that said, I was not aware of the present moment, meaning what is happening right now in front of me. And if I were, not knowingly, I would unconsciously allow myself to be tossed and swayed back into the past or future, not understanding that I could have taken full control over my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. With all the above busyness, there was little time left for me to sit and reflect on the things that mattered. The grocery store, laundry, football game, or this weekend’s party, were not significant. Struggles tend to stay the same when you are caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. 

I advise that you take some time out of your busyness. Make time.  Turn off the T.V. and social media.  Sit down in quiet stillness and reflect on what you want, what is working, and what is not working. Pay attention to yourself, your partner, and your children in the present moment—practice mindfulness and mediation to help you gain clarity. A lot is going on right now, right in front of you, when your mind is still on last week’s fight or daydreaming away your troubles without any action.

There are many benefits to being present. One is that you get to see, hear, and feel what is going on, instead of ignoring it or allowing it to pass. Second, you have more clarity and can practice self-control. Being aware helps you to know what is going on with others emotionally and mentally. Have you ever heard of something that you did long ago that affected someone close to you that you do not even remember? What about the habits that occurred over the years, suddenly it is now a problem—most issues were there all along.

A lot of times, it takes real focus to see them. You see, all of this contributes to your lack of awareness in the present moment. You will also become more aware of yourself, which I will discuss in part two of this article.

Understand Your Fear

Reason #2. Fear. Fear is a broad subject, and I will keep it brief by centering this around communication. I hear many questions being asked, and I would say many of the answers would be clear if it were not for fear. I would agree with you when you say communication is one of the biggest challenges. It is what you say, how you say it, and what you do not say, and why you would or would not want to say it. You can fear conflict because you know how your partner can respond. You may fear losing someone by you being transparent and vulnerable, and so on.

One solution is to be aware of your approach, be mindful of your intentions, and go ahead and speak up regardless. Try not to assume. No need to waste time and continue heartache because of fear of the outcome.  Can you make a mistake?  Yes, and that is okay. No problem because trial and error help you to grow. 

Speaking up will also expose your partner. If he/she does not respect what you have to say, whether it be hard to hear or not, that is not good. Yes, both of you must be open to hearing what is hard to hear. It would be best if you wanted to learn how to communicate better and be open to listening, be respectful, understanding, and compassionate. They should want to do better just as much as you do. If communication is a consistent challenge, it would be best to re-evaluate the relationship or, at best, find ways to reduce the disconnect by becoming aware of the issues and being flexible by offering emotional support.  

For more on a specific communication issue, I invite you to see my article on the silent treatment; Silence is Not Golden. Never be afraid to be who you are and speak upon how you feel. If you intentionally refuse, that is one thing. If you decline because of fear, recognize, and understand why and know that it is unhealthy to live in a relationship this way.   

Do What the Hell You Want to Do

Reason #3. You do not know what to do. Yes, you do. You know what to do. It feels like you do not know what to do because you refuse to do it. Or you refuse to do what seems hard. You talk yourself into why that way is not the way to go. For instance, what about going to counseling? There is a stigma around seeking help from a professional. Maybe you tried it once, and it did not work. Perhaps because of your religion, you feel you do not need to ask for help. No matter what, we all need help at some point! It is time to accept this and go for it. Go ahead, do what makes you feel uncomfortable, or try something new to get somewhere you have never been.  

Or maybe everything looks good on the outside, but deep down, you know you should not get into a committed relationship with this person, or perhaps it has been years of no change, and you are considering leaving this person behind. Fear goes with listening to your intuition, so you may do what you must and recognizing those thoughts that are holding you back. You must be aware of those voices in your head that keep you from the relationships you want and deserve. Do what you know is right for you, you come first in an unselfish way. You have all the power. Please understand, putting yourself first will be a constant battle, now is the time to start practicing getting good at it.

Conclusion

Becoming more aware, eliminating the effect of fear, and doing what you know is best for you and those you love are the first three reasons why things can be difficult. As we move into a new era, online counseling for relationship advice is recommended when you feel you need assistance with your challenges. You need someone attentive, caring, compassionate, knowledgeable, and kind to assist you: no distractions, no jokes, and no judgment. Your Emotions Matter is here for you. Look out for part two of this article, where we will discuss the following five reasons why relationships are painful. And take it from me; you are stronger than you think.

(Scroll all the way down for part 2 of this article.)

We are here to support and empower you on your journey to your best relationships. We would love to hear from you. May you let us know what you think in the comments? Would you like to discuss with us if Your Emotions Matter is a good fit for you? Feel free to contact us by clicking here to have a complimentary one-on-one, 30-minute session with Tiffany. We encourage you to Reach Out, Speak Up, & Create Change. Why? Because…You Matter.

Men are Supposed to Cry

By Tiffany J | Best Relationship Advice

Single men, are you looking for relationship help and for information on how to manage your emotions? The title of this article may not be an attractive headline as you were taught the opposite. Therefore, in efforts to help you bring about the healthy relationships that you want in your life, I must take you somewhere different from a place where it feels uncomfortable. I am happy that you are here, and that is good because that means you are ready for change.   

What is emotional intelligence?

First, a brief back story about myself. I am here with you today because I struggled many years in a toxic and emotionally abusive marriage. The conflicts, disagreements, and arguments were too many. Were we compatible? I would say not. However, we both said I do and we both tried. What I ask that you focus on here is the one thing that was absent in that relationship. It was emotional intelligence.

The definition of emotional intelligence is: “The ability to recognize our feelings and emotions. To manage our emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships so that they are expressed appropriately and effectively, enabling us to work together toward common goals.” – Peter Salovey 

Why are things challenging now?

When you were told not to cry as a young boy, you were told not to recognize your feelings and emotions. You were taught to suppress how you feel when they said, “Man up!” Be tough and not express fear or pain! Next, to be physically or verbally aggressive to get what you want. You were taught the above because your dad, grandfather, and others were taught the same from the beginning.

You are not Fred Flintstone, who needs to slang dinosaurs to feed Wilma and Pebbles, nor do you have to hunt deer.  That hunter, warrior, and stoic mentality must be toned down.  Toxic masculinity no longer serves you. Fellas, it is okay to cry and to express your emotions. You are a human being, and to shut off your emotions is like shutting out a massive and crucial part of yourself.  

So, you do not talk about your emotions. You proceed with that macho conditioning, and you and your lady continue to clash. It is time to bridge the gap by getting you and the ladies on similar pages to save your relationships and indeed your life. (Shutting down your emotions are known to cause mental health issues and suicide.) I encourage you to do your part by learning how to manage your feelings.

This article is the first of a serious of items to come that will help you with this. I will give one goal today to get you off to a start. Learning to manage your emotions is not something to rush or to take lightly.  And I must add, this is in no way suggested to emasculate you. 

What is self-awareness?

How do I learn to manage my emotions, you may ask? There are steps to this, so please bear with me. Take it a bit at a time—task number 1. Become self-aware. Wikipedia defines self-awareness: the capacity for introspection (the examination of one’s own conscious thoughts and feelings), and the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals. Now, this is the modern-day “Man up.” This is the best relationship advice for men. 

Why is self-awareness crucial?

Most women become frustrated when they start to get to know you because they say that you lack transparency and vulnerability. They say you are not honest or upfront about who you are, what you want, or how you feel. Why is this? It is because if you are not self-aware, how will you explain who you are to someone else if you do not know? Getting into a relationship with a woman involves way more than getting the bootie. This advice will help you handle everything else she has to offer.  

How to become self-aware.

If you find any of this challenging, please know that your mind is hardwired to protect you and it will defend you from opposing information. It is not you personally. You are built this way as a human being. Therefore, you can choose. Choose to receive this new perspective. Here are several tips:  

1. Slow down. Take time to pause, breathe, and self-reflect. I suggest that you make this a new habit. Be aware and practice being fully engaged in the present moment.  
2. Take time to feel how you are feeling, get to know how you think, and reflect on your normal behaviors.
3. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses.
4. Be aware that your current feelings, pains, and fears are part of your unconscious mind where your past life experiences, beliefs, and memories are stored. You can develop control over those thoughts and not allow them to affect you in the now.
5. Notice and name your feelings. For instance, if you are angry, say I feel angry. Doing this will shift this activity from your emotional brain into the rational part of your mind. Doing this helps you to choose how to handle the situation best.
6. Seek to understand why you are feeling a certain way. Identify the cause and effect of your feelings and take the time to figure out what your emotions are trying to tell you. Your emotions are data. Use this data to come to the best outcome for yourself and others. Also, it is essential to note that there are no “good or bad” emotions. All emotions are valid and are useful when appropriately managed. 
7. Work on articulating what you want. Be intentional about how you want to show your best self every day. Remember that past experiences are there to protect you and to give you information. Those experiences are not there to hinder your progress. Notice your emotions, do not push them away, and ask yourself, will my reaction best serve me and the situation right now?  

Conclusion

Self-awareness is the prerequisite to emotional health. Emotional intelligence is the prerequisite to all healthy relationships. I encourage you to start today. Contact us if you have any questions or need any assistance. Your Emotions Matter is here for you. We are here to provide emotional support, and we want to help you to communicate effectively. Men, please know that we see you, you are heard, and understood.  

Single gentlemen, we are here to support and empower you on your journey to your best relationships. We would love to hear from you, may you let us know what you think in the comments?  Would you like to learn more?  Feel free to contact us by clicking here to have a complimentary one-on-one, 30-minute session with Tiffany. We encourage you to Reach Out, Speak Up, & Create Change. Why? Because…You Matter.

5+ Tips to your Best Relationship

By Tiffany J | Best Relationship Advice

Single ladies and gents, are you noticing that specific questions are repeating themselves in your effort to arrive into a healthy relationship? Those confusing signals, okay, the red flags that pop up early, are dismissed because he or she is attractive and smart. How about when things start off good, then after a while, things start to get frustrating?

We all have great intentions to live happily in our relationships. Sometimes you may find yourself in situations that are not pleasing. It is my hope that I can give you some clarity as to what you can do now to move toward a new emotional space in your life. Here are five tips for your best relationship, and here is the secret, your best relationship is first with You.   

Focus on yourself.

First, take time to get to know you, by paying attention to your habits, how you think, how you react, and how you feel. What are your strengths and weaknesses? Do you know what you want? How would you usually behave in certain situations? How would you like to be treated? What is it that you will not tolerate? We as human beings tend to operate being swayed to and fro by the external, that is, whatever is outside of us. This is your time to go within and get to know you. 

You cannot control what goes on outside of you, you can only control what goes on within yourself. This is important to help you learn self-control, to start to gain clarity and peace within. Most importantly, how to manage your emotions. Unruly emotions will wreak havoc in a relationship. Taking time to focus on getting to know you will help you learn how to love yourself more because you are finding what makes you tick or not. It will help pave the way to how you want your next relationship to be built.  

Learn how to be alone.

Are you looking for the secret sauce? This is it. If you find it challenging to spend time by yourself, it is easy to fall prey to accepting whatever company that crosses your path. You get bored out of your mind, you meet someone new, and it is cool because at least it is someone you may be with to kill time. Everyone is not worth your time. Learn to be okay with being by yourself. This will help you conquer number one because this is the perfect time for you to focus on yourself.

Having someone around all the time can bring distractions that you may not want. The key here is to become comfortable with being alone. Take time to heal from that last relationship, take yourself to dinner or a weekend trip, and self-reflect to find what truly brings you the most joy in your life. Practice mindfulness. Take time to be still. Bonus tip: Meditation is a beneficial practice to help with stillness, at the very least.

Start a grateful journal.

Better yet, start two journals: one to vent and the other for absolutely nothing but to house your blessings. The vent journal is to let out the thoughts in your mind that upset or bother you. It is not healthy to keep those concerns bottled up inside. The other one is for everything that you are grateful for in your life. The reason this is important is that it helps with your mindset shift.

Being grateful is the most powerful emotion that you can have. Doing this brings life to your mind and body, as well as helping you manifest more to be thankful for in the present and future. It keeps your thoughts lively, keeps you happy, and focused on the right things. By being grateful, this leaves you feeling fresh and ready to conquer your life and move toward healthier relationships. Thoughts of the past will start to diminish, and there is less complaining. You may find that you will through away your vent journal.  

Let go.

Yes, you must learn to let go. I will say it another way. Stop caring so much. Say idgaf. This goes especially, for the things that you cannot control. I will tell you when I did this while I was still married, that monkey flew off my back! It was the best move I have made, making the rest of my marriage bearable. Okay, I am not advising you to stay in an unhealthy relationship because you stopped caring. 

Letting go helps you to move forward instead of staying stuck. Your thoughts of the past will keep you fearing to move forward because of what your ex did to you. What about getting upset because you find that you cannot control a situation? Or you may worry about things that will never happen. You must come to a place in your mind where you can expect nothing but the best to happen. If things do not go your way, then oh well, you can be okay with that too. Letting go helps you be open and set your ego aside. Let go and let God be in control. Let go and let flow.

Listen to your intuition.

Men, this applies to you too. A lot has gone awry in the past and you wonder what you need to do for something to go in the right direction? Guys, when you get better at improving your emotional intelligence, then your intuition will float more to surface. Ladies, you know what I mean here. The key to this one is to avoid putting superficial things and your dire needs ahead of your logic. 

For instance, you are bored or lonely, and a girl or guy comes along with red flags, but because you are in “need” of companionship, you ignore the red flags. Pay attention, and to do that, you must be aware. Listen to your gut when you know and “feel” that something is wrong. By taking the steps above this one, you will become more in tune with yourself. It will be easy to notice and take heed when your intuition is speaking. Bonus tip: Know what you want, to help you stay away from what you do not wish to happen. You have more control than you may think.

Conclusion.

Do you feel that the above suggestions will help you become mentally and emotionally ready to meet your life’s desire? I hope you found at least one tip helpful.  Once you start practicing the above, you will naturally be open to see, hear, and feel the improvement. At the same time, this helps you to take control of your present and future. A better you are always a work in progress. Take good care of yourself. You are the best and most important relationship that you will ever have in your life.

Take as much time as you need to be by yourself. Enjoy yourself and your own time moving forward. It is recommended and imperative to complete your healing before you enter your next relationship. Self-work and self-love will guarantee that you will have the strength to avoid the unhealthy behaviors within yourself and with others while setting you up for blissful relationships in the future. 

We are here to support you on your journey to your best relationships.  We would love to hear from you, let us know what you think in the comments.  Do you have any questions?  Feel free to contact us by clicking here to have a complimentary one-on-one, 30-minute session with Tiffany. We encourage you to Reach Out, Speak Up, & Create Change. Why? Because…You Matter.

Welcome to Your Emotions Matter’s “Spoken” Episode 3

By Tiffany J | A YEM Interview

I am pleased to introduce to you Richard E. Gordon, the founder, and CEO of CEO Dojo. He is a part of the Your Emotions Matter community and is excited to be of service to you!

We are here to break the silence of unhealthy relationships through emotional intelligence. Now I know, what we do here is heavy…and necessary. Here are a few questions for you:

Why would you fear to share who you are?
What are the consequences of pushing away your emotions?
Why would you want to get to know yourself?
Why is it important to go beneath the surface?

Visit youremotionsmatter.com/your-community to learn more about Richard and of those who are here to serve you.

Especially now, we encourage you to share the burdens of your heart. We are here for you in our confidential and anonymous community.

Check him out!

Thank you so much for watching.  We would love to hear from you, let us know what you think in the comments.  Do you have any questions?  Would you like to discuss with us if Your Emotions Matter is a good fit for you?  Feel free to contact us by clicking here to have a complimentary one-on-one, 30-minute session with Tiffany. We encourage you to Reach Out, Speak Up, & Create Change. Why? Because…You Matter.